Parshat Terumah-Sexual Intimacy

Parshat Terumah

The Case:

Limmud is a three-day conference where Jews of all denominations come together to study through seminars about topics related to Judaism and beyond. The beautiful thing about Limmud is the fact that it reminds all of us about the greatest words of our sages: “Who is wise? One who learns from everyone.”[i]. I learned a powerful message from a class entitled, “Feminine Oppression in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch”[ii]. The lessons I learned from this session had nothing to do with any degradation of our tradition, nor did it concern the session leaders’ false statements regarding the “sources referring to sexual intimacy.” Rather, I realized, that many beautiful and holy concepts within Judaism have been disguised and delegitimized by secular society.

According to this teacher at Limmud, sexual intimacy within the realm of halachik parameters is a male-driven act that is consequently oppressive to women. The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch states, “He should not have relations with his wife in a state of light-headedness.” The teacher at Limmud interpreted this statement to mean that speaking with one’s wife during sexual relations is a forbidden act and that doing so is considered a frivolous act --- that which is profane and disgusting in G-d’s eyes.

We mourn many lost Jewish traditions throughout history, but this Judeo-Christian interpretation of a statement in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch demoralizes the act of sexual intimacy and has no place in Judaism. The teacher who interpreted as such is unfortunately mistaken.

Redeeming Qualities:

It is without a doubt that Americans have contributed to the influx of technological advancements during the 21^st century, but unfortunately, the principles of ancient societies which did not last, that taught the body and physical pleasures are the sole purpose of life, have been transformed and mutated into the spiritual destruction of many sacred ideas. One of the ways in which this has occurred is through the media and popular culture. Because of these entities, sexual intimacy is not viewed as a supernal and elevated mitzvah, which connects man and women as one with their Creator, but rather that which is instantly gratifying for the body and dirty for the soul.

If there was one thing I learned from my “Humor Across the Media” class at Binghamton University, taught by Ryan Vaughn (a man who resembles a Harley-Davidson rider who wears shorts throughout the winter) was: “A healthy person is someone who is in touch with both his masculine and feminine self.” When our sages taught, “He should not have relations with his wife in a state of light-headedness,” they were expounding upon the most spiritual act that humankind has the opportunity to create through marriage, love and sexual intimacy. As the verse states, “So G-d created Man in His image, in the image of G-d, He created him male and female, He created them”[iii].

What does it mean to not be “light-headed” during such an important time? It means preparation and separation from everything which is not the act itself. The joining of husband and wife is like the creation of man, “male and female He created them.” Our rabbis tell us that there is no such thing as a directed and focused heart without proper preparation [iv].

Destructive desensitize us:

Marriage is the only thing within Judaism that has seven blessings connected to its consecration. It is truly an awe-inspiring moment not only for the groom and bride, but for the wedding attendees as well. This event in one’s life manifests a duality of the spiritual and physical in existence. The act of sexual intimacy is most truly expressed when it is done with one’s life partner. When it is done prematurely, it desensitizes us from the true greatness that the act possesses. That is why it is of most importance that we teach ourselves and our children (G-d willing) that lust is not true sexual intimacy. Our marriages depend on this, and our spiritual potential depends on this. Let us not become desensitized.

When one marries:

In this week's Torah portion the verse states:

“And you shall make two Kruvim (cherubs) of gold”[v].

Our sages tell us that these two Kruvim [vi] were fashioned on the cover of the Aron – the Ark of the Testimony. Within the golden chest lay the Ten Commandments fashioned as an eternal testimony for every generation. During Temple times, the Aron rested in the Holiest of the Holies, the inner chamber of HaShem’s house, the bedroom. The sages teach us that one K’ruv was female, and one K’ruv was male. When the Jewish people shared love and brotherhood, the two K’ruvim would face each other and they would embrace, but when the Jewish people did the opposite, the K’ruvim would turn away from one another. This teaches us, "Ish v'Isha, zachu, Shechina beineihem - if a man and woman merit [to dwell in peace and harmony] the Divine Presence resides amongst them"[vii].

The Ark of the Testimony represents the joining of Man with God. The K’ruvim shelter and contain God’s physical manifestation of His Divine Presence. It is the celestial within time and space, and is only accessed by the High Priest once each year on Yom Kippur. Our connectedness to our spouse depends on how much we are willing to welcome G-d into our Holy of Holies, our bedroom. Because sexual intimacy can become animalistic and devoid of emotion, Maimonides states that sexual intimacy should be done “with the will and joy of both of them”[viii]. This mutual respect and self-control guides a couple to greater heights. The words for "man" and "woman" in Hebrew are spelled almost identically. The only difference is a Yud in Ish (man) and a Heh in Isha (woman). These extra letters, Yud-Heh, form one of the Names of Hashem, and when they are removed, all that remains is the word Aish (fire), thus showing that if a husband and wife do not welcome G-d into their relationship, it could be destructive like fire, G-d forbid [ix].

To conclude:

The particular class given at Limmud regarding “feminine oppression in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch" was a poor attempt to destroy the beauty and holiness that Judaism attributes to the bedroom. The teacher’s claims are false and terribly misguided. Why should one not be sexually intimate haphazardly? Because it is a representation of a truly holy and consecrated act. It is clear that halacha demands both the man and woman’s agreement and mutual will in order for sexual intimacy to remain a consecrated act for our generation and future generations.

We should be blessed as a Holy Nation, to remain a holy nation, to never be swayed by foreign values and lustful desires. For those who are in search of their soul-partner, HaShem should bless you with the clarity to see the importance of preparation for the beautiful mitzvah of marriage, and that you should find him/her in the right time. For those who are comfortable with their soul-partner, you should be blessed to renew your relationship with G-d and infuse His gift of love and sexual intimacy with meaning every day. To those who are neither, you should be blessed to recognize that despite how we allow our evil inclination to justify our sins, by doing so, we weaken our spirit, and desensitize ourselves from true intimacy.

Shabbat Shalom!

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Edited by: Rachael B. Goldberg-Rothstein

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[i] Perkei Avoth 4:1

[ii] Shlomo Ganzfried (Solomon ben Joseph Ganzfried; Hungary, 1804 to 1886) was an Orthodox rabbi and posek best known as author of the work of Halakha (Jewish law), the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (Hebrew: קיצור שולחן ערוך, "The Abbreviated Shulchan Aruch"), by which title he is also known.

[iii] Gensis-1:27

[iv] Ayn Kevana Bli Hachana

[v] Exodus-25:18

[vi] There are many disputes with regards to the physical form of these Kruvim. Some say they were birds (going more with our movie depiction of angels, others say they were children).

[vii] Sotah, 17a

[viii]Hilchot Dayot 5:4

[ix] Sotah-ibid.